Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
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I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Hello Twits.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?